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Am I Gay

November 18, 2010

Good evening, I’m Max Pasvrai. Not being one to fool around, let me slice my hand through the air to symbolize my desire to cut straight into the heart of the matter.

So here we go.

Are you gay?

Well, let me start by asking you a few simple questions. Don’t pepper your responses with a million little bullshitt-ios – just answer the question honestly and directly. (Let me add that excuses are like ants – they seem small and benign but, if allowed, they reproduce like coin machines and destroy everything they encounter.)

Anyhoo…

1. Do you masturbate to men, and/or do you watch gay pornography?

2. Just kidding, there is no number 2. If you answered “yes” to the first question, you are gay. No, you are not “experimenting,” and no, you are not bisexual.

(see section two for more information on Bisexuality: The Gay Stepping Stone).

You. Are. Gay.

But for the sake of things, I will throw in one more question.

3. Are you afraid you are gay and/or have you had an inner battle post-puberty trying to figure out whether you are gay?

Then you are gay.

Or perhaps you have begun hooking up with other men. You keep Adam4Adam open on your computer, hide your face, and listen as the phone rings jingle from your screen, dialing nowhere. Where’s the pussy?

Where’s the pussy.

No, it’s “not too late.”

You. Are. Gay.

Now what?

Well, like those that grieve, you are going to go through a period where you slowly phase in your sexuality. It often occurs in percentages. “I am 90% straight.” – “I am 75% straight.” – “I am 50% straight, but could only fall in love with a woman.” “I’m 25% straight, but I still wanna fuck BB Bardot.”

Everyone wants to fuck Brigitte. Believe me, if we could all find some twisted doll on the side of the road that transports us back to 1960, we would. We all would.

Bisexuality. The Gay Stepping Stone

Alright, so here comes bisexuality. But before you embrace your new sense of freedom, let me bring in the test tubes and electrodes.

Scientists have studied bisexuality. And it has been proven that when you hook women up to machines and have them fantasize about men and women, there are a certain number who’s brains light up like a juke boxes to both. Women can be bisexual. On the other hand, scientists have done studies on thousands of self-proclaimed bisexual men and have yet to find a single individual who truly swung both ways. Men cannot be bisexual.

I say this not to blow your cover, only to help expedite the process. No one has ever come out of the closet and regretted it.

So do your thing. Be bisexual. Be closetted.

The Point.

The longer you wait, the more of your youth you will waste in dead end relationships. Young love and awesome sex are reasons to be happy. And when you find yourself in bed, lying with another man, his warm body fitted against yours, your hands, your everythings, in perfect union, you’ll be thankful.

You’re welcome.

 

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Driving Outside the City

November 5, 2010

Rita and Caesar stand in a cement drainage canal that parallels the road. Their car is above them, red and with an empty tank.

Rita: I wonder where this road ends.

Caesar:  All the maps end at Cactus Bill’s Diner. People can only go until their cars run out of gas.

Rita: Then they should bring more gas in some type of container.

Caesar: I guess, but then they would just drive until the city is a thousand miles behind, or two thousand miles if they brought a shit load of gas and no one made any sparks.

Rita: You think an airplane would have flown out here and at least investigated. The library downtown needs a good topographical map with those whirlpool lines.

Caesar puts his backpack down and pulls out his homing pigeon. Rita gasps – the bird has commit suicide.

Caesar: We can eat him when we get hungry. The walk back is gonna take at least a few days.

Rita: I was naked in front of my mirror yesterday, thinking about you.

Caesar: What’s that sound?

They turn around and scream as a wall of muddy water engulfs them and washes them down the canal. They struggle to escape for hours until they tire and fall asleep floating on their backs. After a few days in the flood, Rita learns how to catch dragon flies. The two are sustained by bugs and flood water filtered through Rita’s bra.

Eighteen days later the two awake as they tumble over a waterfall. They land in the ocean and struggle out of the water, having nearly forgotten how to walk. They collapse on the beach. Yolk awakes them in the morning.

Rita: Where are we?

Caesar: I guess we’re at the end.

Rita: How will we ever climb back up that cliff?

Caesar: Throw a net around a group of good natured sea gulls and stuff our clothes with palm husks so we don’t break our bones.

Rita: Oh yeah. Well we can eat coconuts until then.

Rita scratches a coconuts belly and it snaps open. They sit against a rock and share the white juice.

Caesar: Tell me again about the redwood tree in your backyard.

Rita: I tried climbing it once – brought a blanket and a pair of handcuffs. I climbed and climbed and climbed until I passed the snowline. It got too cold, so I put on a parachute and jumped. I think I forgot a magazine up there.

Caesar: No one can hear me masturbate out here.

Rita: Sound waves are like bullets.

Caesar: True. I used to listen to the voices zap through the phone wires outside my apartment.

Rita: Sometimes, when I was downtown, I would yell and watch my voice fall to the pavement like sand.

Caesar: I feel like there should be a phone scratching my ear right now.

Rita: Oh, I think you heard me say something like that before.

On the Porn Set – Clitty’s Best

October 19, 2010

Clitty Morgan taps her lips like a piano, and then lights a cigarette in the amphitheater of her palms.

Clitty: Lots of people don’t realize how unsexy the scenes really are if you stand there and watch. The movies make you think that each scene happens fairly organically and with no interruptions. That’s not true at all. The guys stand off set and let viagra pills dissolve under their tongues in between takes, while the girls fix their hair and text on their phones like detectives.

Clitty laughs.

Clitty: Oh God! This one time, Sarah and I poked this girl with a magazine while she was giving some guy head, and she turned back and moaned like she was having the best orgasm she’s ever had. When she saw it was us, she felt like an idiot and we laughed. So. Hard.

Michael: When was the first time you had sex, Clitty?

Clitty: It depends on what your definition of sex is. If you’d call oral sex sex, then I was 14 years old. But if you mean actual sex, then it was my 16th birthday. I had just starting dating this guy at boarding school, and he fucked me in my dorm room after my birthday party. I was sitting in his lap when we started hooking up, and that’s how we ended up fucking. Not terribly romantic, but he was a great lay.

Michael: Sounds a lot like my first time.

Michael laughs and zooms in on Clitty’s face. She looks at the camera pensively, then blows smoke into the breeze of a nearby fan.

Michael: So, I was interested in what we were talking about off camera earlier. You told me there was only one time you actually enjoyed having sex on camera. Am I right?

Clitty: Yes, you are.

Michael: Can you tell me about that time?

Clitty: Yeah. It was last year. I was doing a set for Rudy Mane. First they filmed me doing some girl-girl stuff, and then I had my final scene of the day with a guy I had never met before. Usually I get to talk to the guy that fucks me before the scene, but this guy showed up late. He wasn’t especially tall, had incredibly dark hair, and his body was thinner than most guys I’ve worked with. For a second I thought that maybe he was asian – but he wasn’t. There was something exotic about him, but I still can’t figure out what it was. Maybe he was Romanian or something. Some kind of blood thats undiluted.

So we start the scene, and I had to walk into his office and pretend that I was some dumb ass secretary that didn’t know how what the letter “A” meant or something. I sucked at my lines, and he sucked too. Then the porno plot came in and I begged for my job, and he was supposed to bend me over the desk and fuck me. And he did. And the scene was boring at first and I faked every sound like I always do. “Yeah right there”’s and “Fuck me”’s.

But then I noticed his hands were wrapped around my stomach, and he wasn’t just holding me in place so he could get my ass up in the air – he was actually holding me. I don’t what it is, but it’s easy to tell the difference between the two. And I started to focus on the feel of his hands on my stomach. I could feel his heat, his sweat, and every pour on his arm opening up like little mouths. And it felt amazing.

Michael: Did the director notice you two had chemistry?

Clitty: Like he cared. He kept asking us to change positions, but we didn’t. We couldn’t help it. And I could feel a cameraman go in for a close up because I felt the heat of the camera in between my legs, but it didn’t make me uncomfortable. And then the guy, he leans down and puts his mouth next to my ear. And when I heard his breath, I stopped faking it. And then neither of us were talking dirty, and the director yells at us to speak, but we didn’t. And then the guy whispers in my ear – “You’re the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.” And the crazy thing is, I knew he meant it.

And everything felt amazing. I had never felt so good in my life. Better than my first line of blow, better than every orgasm I have ever had before. Maybe even combined. And he had this staccato set of words going with each breath – you’re. so. pretty. you’re. so. pretty.

I couldn’t think of what his voice reminded me of, but it made me think of something. Something real familiar. It had that warmth that you only feel with old memories. And I scanned my thoughts, and closed my eyes, trying to think of what it was. It drove me crazy, being on the edge of knowing what he was like, knowing who he reminded me of. And then it occurred to me.

My dad took me downtown once when I was a kid, and there was this man running through the streets, banging a stick into every manhole cover he ran past. He was yelling out “these god damn covers are gonna blow! You pretty ladies better come with me!” He ran past us, and nothing happened, but I never forgot his voice.

The guy I was fucking on camera had the exact same voice! And I couldn’t help but want to hear him speak more, but he didn’t. He finished before I had the chance too, and then he was off of me and away before I even got his name.

Gay Plants: The Unheard Stories

October 15, 2010

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Instant Messaging – Racism.

October 12, 2010

Odd Fish

Luv2H8tGirl: becky!! where were u last nite???

SexyMizzFire69z: oh crap did i miss the lynching!?

Luv2H8tGirl: yeah! i txted u 8866763 times last night!!!!

SexyMizzFire69z: oh damn im sorry! my phone was dead

Luv2H8tGirl: were u home?

Luv2H8tGirl: ??

SexyMizzFire69z: no i was downtown with doug.

Luv2H8tGirl: oh la la 😉

SexyMizzFire69z: he and i were tearing down posters for a rosa parks seminar and then he kissed me.

Luv2H8tGirl: whaat! call me now

Luv2H8tGirl: i’m calling u now

SexyMizzFire69z: i want to talk but my phone is legit dead

SexyMizzFire69z: i dropped it ion a gasoline puddle last noght

SexyMizzFire69z: *night

SexyMizzFire69z: like right after he kissed me he leaned me back so that he was at like 10 oclock and i was at 9 oclock. then i fell…

Luv2H8tGirl: ouch

Luv2H8tGirl: at least you didn’t blow up

SexyMizzFire69z: yeah, thank god.

SexyMizzFire69z: but how did last nite go??

Luv2H8tGirl: it was so amazing. best night i ever had

Luv2H8tGirl: my dad took us to the guys house, some dude he saw at the post office earlier and had tracked down

Luv2H8tGirl: he was freaking out. thrashing around like some odd fish

Luv2H8tGirl: and i got to tie the rope myself! just the actual noose part, but i made it hella strong

SexyMizzFire69z: girl you awesome!

Luv2H8tGirl: and we didn’t wanna tie it up on this billboard awning cause it was too high, so we threw it over and had that fat guy bobby hold it

SexyMizzFire69z: bobby the dude that randomly followed us around after the burning last week?! creepster

Luv2H8tGirl: yeah hes super weird

Luv2H8tGirl: but then we tied up the dude and he was screaming

Luv2H8tGirl: and then bobby and two other guys pulled on the other end of the rope so he went up in the air

Luv2H8tGirl: and he wiggled around like a ribbon. then he stopped.

Luv2H8tGirl: and that was it! we all went and got soda and of course i dropped the case when i was putting it in my dads truck

SexyMizzFire69z: haha, clumsy bones 😉

Luv2H8tGirl: says miss gasoline puddle lol

Luv2H8tGirl: but  yeah it sucked cause when we opened up the first soda it exploded

Luv2H8tGirl: and all day today the soda’s have been blowing up like bombs

SexyMizzFire69z: well tap the top of the can. i like eases the carbonation or something

Luv2H8tGirl: yeah i did that, but it didn’t help. they keep exploding

Luv2H8tGirl: again and again

SexyMizzFire69z: well i wanna go next time

SexyMizzFire69z: theres this dude in my geometry class from like glerzakastan or something

SexyMizzFire69z: he always talks about his ‘homeland’ and it really pisses me off

SexyMizzFire69z: like where he comes from food is made out of book pages and peoples driveways are made of spiderwebs. haha

SexyMizzFire69z: i can tie a bad ass rope

Luv2H8tGirl: we both can